we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
