After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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