So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
