Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
