Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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