Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
