dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There's always time for handjobs
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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