before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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