Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
