I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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