So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
