I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
