and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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