i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He felt like a one man threesome
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
