I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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