somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm both gender and math confused
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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