This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
