Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
