Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
