I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
