we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize