we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
