sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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