My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
