so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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