This is not my ceiling
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
