my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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