so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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