Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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