K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
where does the pee come out of this thing
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
