I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i already hear my dad disowning me
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?