I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
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Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
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im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO