Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
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she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
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If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
and you fell through a lawn chair