I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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