Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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