I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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