Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Randomize
