I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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