I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
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Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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