a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's blow job season.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
