I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
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Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
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Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
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