Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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