I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
is this the sara with the beer cane?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My breasts were aching with rage.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
