Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
