She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
