I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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