A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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