If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
