I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
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SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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