Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
