During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
