I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
