This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
