Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
