I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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