So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
