Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish you could order shots online.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
