My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm like, not good at living.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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