Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
